The Last Resort
by Saja Natalia
Summary: Itachi discovers his crush on Sakura, but is unsure how to pursue it. But when he turns to a certain Ramenloving Ninja for help, his approach to love will never be the same.


A/N: So I was depressed earlier today and I didn't want to work on Fun With Uchihas because of that. So I started writing down a random story, and despite my depression, it turned into a comedy. Anyway, please enjoy. I apologize for Itachi's OOCness, but it's impossible for me to make this work with him as himself.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Itachi, Sasuke, Sakura, Kisame, or an orange blob.

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"So there's this girl I like…."

Kisame looked up from his breakfast, his face horrified. "Are you feeling alright, Itachi-san?" he asked, looking at his partner. It was unlike Itachi to talk about such things.

"I'm fine." Itachi waved a hand. "I'm just having a bit of a problem, really. Like I said, I like this girl, but she's not exactly, well, available."

Kisame shook his head, still bewildered that Itachi was telling him this. He reached down and ate some more of his breakfast, trying to think of something to say to Itachi. "So kill off her man," he said the first thing that came to mind.

"Yes, I would, but…" Itachi trailed off again, staring at his quickly-cooling rice. "It's complicated. I can't really just kill the guy off. He's pretty close to me, and well, she really likes him."

Kisame snickered. "Wow, Itachi-san. For someone who killed off his entire clan, you sure get bothered by the smallest of things. So what if he's close to you? So was your family."

Itachi sighed. "You don't get it." Standing, he placed his bowl in the sink. "I'm going out." He left the room.

The moment he was gone, Kisame laughed out loud. "Wow. Who would have thought?"

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Itachi found himself walking down the road that lead to Konoha. _I could always stop in on her_, he thought to himself. _Although she'd probably get scared. _He sighed again. This whole female business was really more trouble than it was worth.

Itachi turned to scan the forest and caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of his eye. A glimpse of something orange. Turning to follow the orange blob, Itachi debated how to start the conversation.

Suddenly, he shot forward, capturing the neck of the orange blob in his right hand, and pinning the blob up against a tree.

"What the hell?" Naruto yelled, but the moment he saw Itachi, his eyes darkened. "You!"

Itachi waved his free hand. "Yes, yes. I know. You hate me and everything I've done. Just shut up, Kyuubi. I have to talk to you about something."

This was clearly not the approach Naruto had been expecting. His eyes were still skeptical, but he listened to Itachi. "What is it?"

Itachi looked away for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand. "Well, you see…" _Stop stuttering, you idiot! _"I know a lot about your team…"

Naruto growled at him. "So what? You know that Sasuke's on it? That you ruined his life? That Sakura and I have to constantly train to defend and find him?"

At the mention of her name, Itachi felt a slight blush creep to his cheeks. _Dammit! Murderers don't blush! _"Wait." Naruto studied Itachi's face, even though the Uchiha had turned away. "What about my team? What are you talking about?" He was starting to get a smug look on his face, starting to put the pieces together.

"Shut up." Itachi shoved his hand harder up against Naruto's throat. "You're not to repeat this to anyone. You do, and I'll Mangekyou you on the spot. I'll have the whole Akatsuki come after you. And I'll slay that Hyuuga girl that always hangs around you." At this, Naruto's eyes darkened. "I just, well…" Itachi grasped to find a way to phrase his next statement.

"I need your help to get Haruno Sakura to like me."

Naruto's eyes grew huge and Itachi had to restrain himself from crushing the kyuubi right then. "You like Sakura?" he asked. Itachi turned away, trying to hide his blush. "You like Sakura!"

And then he started to laugh. He laughed long and hard, tears running down his face. "Are you kidding me?" he asked through his giggles. "That's hilarious!"

"It is not!" Itachi shot back, his face bright red. "You used to like her! And Sasuke does!"

At that, Naruto stopped laughing. "Oh yeah. She's with Sasuke now, isn't she? That makes this a bit more difficult. And really awkward." He laughed again.

Itachi narrowed his eyes and pushed Naruto against the tree so he was gagging. "I don't find this funny, Kyuubi."

Naruto nodded. "Just lemee go!" he managed to squeak. Itachi, trusting his own skills, dropped Naruto to the ground, where the boy started massaging his neck.

"So let me get this straight," Naruto started, still rubbing his pink neck. "You like Sakura, and you want her to like you, but she's going out with Sasuke and you don't want to have to kill him after all this. Hmm…." Naruto trailed off. "Hey! Wait a minute!" He turned to Itachi. "Why should I help you?"

Itachi closed his eyes and looked over at Naruto. The moment he opened them, the Mangekyou Sharingan pierced right above Naruto's head, just barely missing his eyes. "That's why."

Naruto rubbed the back of his neck and laughed nervously. "Oh, well that is a pretty good reason." He sighed and looked up at Itachi, now without his Mangekyou. "Fine." In one quick movement, he'd grabbed Itachi's forearm and was dragging him towards Konoha.

"Where are you going?" Itachi demanded, alarmed by the Kyuubi's sudden enthusiasm.

"Well you're never going to get her looking like that," Naruto responded over his shoulder. "You look like you've been living in a cave for the past four years." Itachi smirked at this despite himself. "You need to be cleaned up, and I know just the place."

Instantly, Itachi regretted asking Naruto for help.

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A/N: So that's the first chapter. I'll be updating randomly whenever I have time. Please let me know if you like it! I love reviews!

Thanks so much! Please review!


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